Going Home
by Stonethatfellfromskyandflew
Summary: A crazy story crossed over with a bunch of universes. Joe just wants to go home after a usual day at school, but things are never that simple. Ever.


The sun was out that day, beaming across the sky and onto the sidewalk with its many cracks. Barely a few wisps of cloud drifted across the azure sky. It was, to all intents and purposes, a perfectly normal day in Bayport.

Joe let his legs carry him down the street alongside Frank, listening to the sound of the birds in the trees. The mid-afternoon sun shining across his back felt warm, like glowing butter sliding across his muscles as he stretched them. Nothing could match Bayport in the fall, with its warmth, its pumpkins, and the inevitable mysteries that were always popping up when you least expected-

Suddenly he stumbled, almost tripping over a brick just lying on the ground.

"What the-?!" He squawked as soon as he regained his balance, feeling his heart thudding at the sudden disruption of their normal walk home. "Where'd that come from?!"

He peered at it with a frown, scratching the back of his head. It had a smiley face and some really _ _, really,__ bad handwriting on it. "John Idiot, Exo-Geni Unlimited," He read out loud. __What the heck is Exo-Geni Unlimited?__ He wondered.

" ** **AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S REAL! IT'S ALL REAL! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!**** "

Frank had strangely not bothered to help Joe when he tripped, just standing there like he was frozen. But now he ran around in circles, screaming his head off.

Joe stared at him.

"What?" He asked, feeling completely dumb. __Is there something I missed?__

" ** **IT'S ALL REAL! THE GETH! THE REAPERS! ALL OF IT'S REAL! THEY'RE GONNA KILL US! THEY'LL... THEY'LL...!"****

"Uh, Frank, what are you talking about?" He didn't get an answer as he stepped towards his brother, just more mindless screaming. "Hey, Frank, calm down! Don't go all panic attack on me now, bro!"

" ** **THE THRESHER-MAWS! THE HUSKS! ALL OF IT'S REAL! ALL OF MASS EFFECT! EVERYTHING!"****

"Uh, okay... I'm just gonna... leave." Joe abruptly turned away and walked quickly down the street as he tried to ignore his now crazy brother still screaming hysterically behind him. __Maybe Mom and Dad'll know what to do.__ Something about this had gotten Frank really riled up, but... __Seriously? All this craziness over a brick with bad handwriting?__

He was still pondering Frank's insanity when a small figure in a brown robe with large ears, green skin, and wispy hair popped up on a fence next to the sidewalk. His steps stuttering to a halt, Joe stopped and stared. __Yoda?! What's Yoda doing here?!__ His eyes widened until it felt like they'd pop out of his head.

And then Yoda started talking. Or singing. Or whatever.

"Rocking, rocking and rolling. Down to the beach I'm strolling. But the seagulls. Poke at my head. Not fun! I said, seagulls. Hrrmph! Stop it now!"

Joe finally found his voice, though his brain still spun with what he was seeing. "Yoda! Wait, so Star Wars is real? Does that mean we've got the Force?"

He grinned like an idiot, and randomly tried to move a small rock nearby using mind power. It twitched!

"I've got the Force! I can use the Force!" He practically yelled. He turned back to Yoda. "Yoda! Can you teach me to use it so I can be a Jedi?"

Yoda flipped onto the roof of a nearby house. "No! Too old, you are. Very bad Jedi you would make." He said as he disappeared over the buildings.

With only a few sentences, Joe's dreams were crushed like a rock in a grinder.

"Ouch!" He grunted as a sharp pain hit him on the back of his head, a small rock clattering to the ground. "I don't remember using the Force to move __that__."

"I think it was Yoda. I saw his finger twitch," Frank said, inexplicably popping up from nowhere. Not that Joe was in any mood to notice.

"What did I do?" Joe mumbled as he rubbed the back of his head. "All I wanted was to have Jedi training."

He looked back up - thoughts still on Yoda's sad treatment of his dreams - to see an armoured figure walking towards him.

"Hey," The armoured person said, "I'm Commander Shepard. Have you seen Saren? The reports said he was in this town somewhere."

Joe's jaw hit the ground as he stared at Shepard, vaguely aware that Frank had gone hysterical again. He was still trying to get something intelligible out of his mouth when a head popped around the corner of an industrial building a bit further ahead. And it was an __ugly__ head, too. An ugly __turian__ head.

Shepard noticed Joe staring behind him and turned around in time to see Saren's head. He'd yanked his assault rifle out and was shooting before Joe had a chance to register it. Saren's head disappeared around the corner and Shepard charged off after him, leaving Joe standing dumbfounded behind. __Well that was weird.__ He thought dimly. __Maybe I can go home now and forget all about it.__

Just then a familiar tall guy in bulky dull green armour walked out of a street holding what looked like a map. "Where's the Superhero Cafe?" The Masterchief asked. "The Arbitor told me to meet him there."

 _ _Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Has this place suddenly become game universe land?!__ Nevertheless, he still managed to respond relatively quickly in a mostly coherent way. "Uh, over there." He pointed towards the road splitting off from the main street. "Just a couple stores down?"

"Thanks," The Masterchief responded. As casually as if he did this every day, he started to cross the street-

Suddenly the sound of an explosion ripped through the still air and Joe found himself shoved down behind a trash can. For a moment he just blinked, trying to figure out what was going on. __...Explosion?__

The Masterchief brought out his assault rifle and covered the area. "Cortana, status." He called as the sound of gunfire began.

"There are unidentified hostiles up ahead, Chief. The explosion came from that tall building to the northeast - that's where they're coming from." Cortana's cool, slightly robotic voice replied. "But Chief, be advised the Arbitor won't be happy if we're late."

"Tell him we'll meet in the middle of the street."

And with that he charged towards the nearest cover on his way to the conflict.

His head still ringing slightly, Joe stared at the confrontation ahead. There were a bunch of geth shooting at random people and soldiers behind cover. Even as he watched, some snakes - were they... __cobras?__ \- dropped down with mini parachutes onto the machines and started biting them. __This literally cannot get any weirder.__

The roar of an engine came from behind as he watched, growing in pitch until it almost drowned out everything else. Twisting his head around he was just able to catch sight of a speeding vehicle before it shot past.

"Yahoo! Let's grind these alien skulls into steel powder!" Somebody yelled from the warthog as it swerved around some gutted vehicles. Still speeding they raced right through the geth, knocking them left and right before wheeling around and doing it again. Recovering quickly, the geth scrambled out of the way. The marines slid the vehicle to a halt and jumped out, diving to take cover behind it.

As he watched this new development, Joe suddenly noticed another warthog parked on the side of the street. __Hmm, just maybe...__. He looked quickly around. There was nobody nearby. Quickly, and as stealthily as he could, he ran over to it and slid into the driver's seat. The controls weren't much different from an ordinary car and soon he was racing past before anybody noticed. Geth and marines alike scattered out of his way as he sped down the street, swerving around obstacles in his path.

"Oh yeah! This is more like it!" He grinned as he felt the wind whip through his hair, the controls light under his hands.

Suddenly a wraith drove out of a side street ahead and turned to block his path, its cannon raised to blow him into dust.

Gritting his teeth, Joe desperately scanned his eyes across the junk in the road, spotting a makeshift ramp to the side just in time. ****"I'M GOING HOME!"**** He yelled as he mashed the accelerator pedal against the floor and flew up the ramp and over the purple tank. He let out a whoop as he hit the ground on the other side and the wraith blew up behind him in a spectacular explosion.

" ** **I'M GOING HOME!"**** He bellowed at the top of his lungs again as they careered down the street at top speed.

Then a strange shaking filled the air as a massive head broke out of the ground.

"A THRESHER-MAW!" Joe yelled.

He turned his head slightly to the side and jerked in his seat as he saw a familiar black-haired figure in the passenger seat. "FRANK! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING THERE!?" He yelled.

"I'M HANGING ON HERE!" Frank yelled back from his position pressed against the back of the passenger seat.

"Whatever! Just get in the turret and shoot at that thing!"

He didn't need to say any more, Frank jumped to the task as if his pants were on fire as Joe dodged the missiles the thresher-maw spat at them. It reared back with a scream as Frank started shooting at it.

"GET SOME!" He yelled as he raked its head with the bullets.

Unexpectedly, a huge explosion ripped right through where the creature had been and obliterated the scene in a flash of blinding light. The warthog was blasted somewhere to infinity as the scene faded to black in Joe's mind.

He woke up groggy and slightly confused as his head was pulled upwards, feeling oddly pressured as he blinked. __Hey wait a minute... is the sky supposed to be made of concrete?__ He came fully awake with a start as he realized he was hanging upside down in the warthog, banging his head lightly against the headrest. __Huh, good thing it's second nature to put on a seatbelt, otherwise I'd probably be dead.__ He looked around, trying to figure out just where he was.

 _ _There's a lot of broken concrete, some buildings over there somewhere, and an arm sticking out over there... WAIT A MINUTE! AN ARM?!__ He frantically tried to release his seatbelt and landed with a thud on the concrete. Groaning slightly, he rolled over and crawled to Frank's arm - not enough room in the space for him to stand. His brother was sprawled facedown on the concrete, his body obscured by a bit of debris.

"Frank!" His heart thudded in his throat at the sight, a feeling of dread dropping into his toes. Frantically, he checked his brother's pulse and let out a sigh of relief as he registered a heartbeat.

Frank shifted slightly. "Umf mwa hie imble whuum."

Joe sat back on his haunches. "Huh?"

Frank twitched his hand. "Imfmhmm oom huurr. Imm hmmnn hhih!"

"Frank, just take your head out of the concrete!"

Frank raised his head slightly and put it on its side, coughing slightly before he spoke again, "I don't wanna gota school... I shoulda graduated by now... I swear I'm old enough..."

It was definitely going to one of __those__ days. Letting out a mixture between a frustrated sigh and a groan, Joe face-palmed himself for the occasion. "We're not going to school. It's the weekend."

Frank groaned and pulled himself into a sitting position. "Why am I lying on the roof of a building underneath a warthog?"

Joe crawled out from underneath it, running a hand through his hair. "Because we got blown here by the explosion. And you forgot to put on a seatbelt like the coach always told us to do."

Frank crawled painfully out from underneath the warthog and stood up shakily. "Why were we in a warthog anyway?"

"Because you went nuts after seeing a brick with bad handwriting."

Frank glanced at him, confusion written all over his face as he rubbed his head. "A... brick?"

Choosing to ignore him, Joe carefully stretched his limbs, feeling for any bruises as he walked idly to the edge of the building. Maybe if he could see the street, they might be able to find out where they were. He looked down.

To see the strangest thing he had ever beheld in his life.

There were little brightly coloured ponies dancing in a circle around a large crater, presumably the crater the explosion had created. It looked vaguely like some kind of tribal dance as they alternately held hooves doing some sort of Irish-looking jig and separated to bob their heads and rear up, all while moving in a circle clockwise. One of them separated from the circle and flew up towards Joe as he watched.

"Um, are you okay?" It said softly as it hovered before him.

Joe rubbed the back of his neck, still staring at the odd sight. "What are you doing down there?"

"We are celebrating the defeat of the big bully." It said in the same soft tone, smiling at him.

Just at that moment Frank decided to look up from checking himself for injuries. "WHAT THE-!"

The creature waved shyly. "Hello."

Frank's eyes widened and he stepped back. "IT'S AN ALIEN!"

Joe stared at him, beginning to feel frustration bubble up again. __What is up with him?!__ "Frank-"

"WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO IT?!"

Joe hissed between his teeth and turned back to the creature. "Sorry about that, he's kind of had a bad day and got knocked on the head."

The creature started forward, concern shining in its eyes. "Is he all right?"

Frank backed up several paces to the warthog. "KEEP THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!" He yelled as he cowered as close to the vehicle as he could.

Joe tried to smile at the pony-like thing, the expression feeling more than a little cracked. "No, but he'll be fine once we get home."

The creature gave him a worried frown. "Can you get down from here?"

Joe looked around for a stairwell. Surprisingly there wasn't any. "Uh, no I don't think so."

It knocked its hooves together lightly and gave him a shy smile. "I could fly you down..."

"I AM NOT RIDING THAT THING!" Frank yelled at the top of his lungs.

Its ears drooped as it looked down at the ground. "Unless you don't want to."

Joe looked back at Frank. "It's our best chance of getting down from here!" He called back, frustration bubbling up in his throat.

But Frank didn't budge from beside the warthog. "I DON'T CARE! I'M NOT RIDING THAT THING, IT'S EVIL!"

Joe turned back to the creature, weariness beginning to tug at him. "I'll just go without him."

Its eyes widened slightly. "But what will happen to him?"

"He can stay here until he gets his sanity back."

It glanced at Frank. "Alright." It said very softly.

Joe turned back to Frank for one last try. "What's so bad about flying on a pony-thing anyway, Bro?"

"NOTHING IS GONNA MAKE ME RIDE ONE OF THOSE THINGS! THEY'LL SUCK YOUR BRAINS THROUGH YOUR EARS AND EAT THEM FOR DESSERT WHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING! THEY'LL-!"

Joe blocked out his brother's ravings, almost feeling like his eye was about to twitch. "Let's go."

He hopped on the pony's back and let it take him down to the street below. It landed softly on the pavement and waited as he slid off its back.

"Thanks," He said.

It smiled and headed back to the weird dance around the crater, the others giving it a greeting as it joined in once again.

Taking a deep breath, preparing himself for the worst, he braced himself and looked down the street at his house. It looked normal. Cautiously, almost not daring to believe it, he glanced around. There were no crazy people walking up to him; nothing was out of the ordinary.

He dashed over to the house and carefully peered into a window. There were curtains in the way but he couldn't see any weird lights, so he opened the door a crack and glanced around into the hallway. There was nothing there. Still suspicious, he carefully opened it all the way. Still nothing. Trying to watch every direction at once he slipped as quietly as he could through the doorway.

Nothing happened.

He let the tension leak out of his body in a quiet sigh as he closed the door. __I must be getting paranoid.__ He thought with a smile as he turned back to face the hallway-

And jerked as he saw a huge, hair-covered ape/bear-like creature standing not five metres in front of him.

"Where'd you come from?!" He yelped as he bumped against the door behind him, his pulse suddenly thudding in his ears.

It didn't even bother to answer the question. "DIE HERETIC!" It screamed as it lumbered towards him at an incredibly fast rate.

But its speed didn't really matter since time seemed to have slowed down, every heartbeat a slow thump. Joe simply turned to the side and opened the door as it approached.

"You know," He said as it lumbered past out the door. "Getting stressed is really bad for your health. You should seek help."

Slamming the door behind it, he headed into the lounge. He half expected to see another weird creature but there was only his mum and dad sipping tea on the couch, their smiles greeting him back home.

"Hey Joe!" Frank smiled as he raised his own cup to his lips. His mother and father uttered similar greetings as they sipped their coffee.

Suddenly feeling exhausted, Joe flopped down on the couch and poured a cup out of the kettle on the coffee table. "Coffee's better than tea any day, that's for sure," He remarked as he sipped at it, melting into the comfortable fluffiness of the fabric.

"We thought you might have to get heated up since you had to run home through all that rain," His dad said.

"Yeah, the rain's always cold in summer for some reason," Joe agreed. "Hey, did you have any visitors today?"

"Well, Aunt Trudy came over for a cup of tea," His mother said.

"Has she been laying off the stress pills? Cause she was kind of a bit grumpy when I came in."

"She's always been like that. You know, the war and all," Frank said as he made a cuckoo gesture with his finger.

Joe fell silent as he worked on his drink, a kind of contented dreamy feeling coming over him even as something tugged at his mind, a kind of blackness rising up...

He groaned, squinching his eyelids shut tighter as the sunlight hit them, chucking his pillow over his head to keep it out. __Stupid sunlight.__ He thought. __I just wanna drink some coffee__...

Finally, with an incoherent grumble of something, he sat up and rubbed his eyes. __That was a really weird dream.__ A yawn forced its way out and nearly split his jaw. __I guess I should get up now.__ Though he couldn't quite manage to force himself to get out from underneath the covers - their warmth a nice barrier against the slight morning chill. Yawning again, he looked up as the door to his room opened, and felt his eyes widen.

"So where was that cafe again?" The Masterchief asked.


End file.
